Sunday, March 29, 2015

The Kpopalypse scandal bullshit-detection guide

Some of you have noticed that Kpopalypse has a sharp sense for picking the truth in a k-pop scandal, even before the truth is revealed.  How is this possible?  Is it magic?  Is it divine intervention courtesy of the Raina god?  Or are the sinister forces of logic and rational thinking at work?  Read on as Kpopalypse reveals all!


Thursday, March 26, 2015

Monday, March 23, 2015

Explaining Suzy The Fat Whore's Weight Loss

News of Suzy and Lee Minho dating came out last night, and I knew I finally had the explanation for why Suzy lost weight lately. I had to share it with you all before I left for work.

Friday, March 20, 2015

A rap music primer for k-pop fans who haven't heard Dr. Dre's "Detox"

People seem to like my technical posts, and for ages people have asked me to write a technical post about rap music just for k-pop fans.


Always eager to please, I have done exactly as asked.  Read on and be entertained as Kpopalypse answers all your important questions about rap music and k-pop!


Thursday, March 19, 2015

Best of the Worst: March 19, 2015

The struggle continued for the f(x) fandom this week as SM announced that Red Velvet's fanclub will get a name less than a year after the group's debut.

Look at them walk all over your faves. 

Fans of f(x) naturally got indignant at the news as their own group's fanclub has yet to get a name after six years.

This is why you don't piss off your boss, kids.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Gain's biblical concept and suggestions for more of the same

I have been enjoying Gain's comeback and I am sure you have too. 'Paradise Lost' is a great song with a moody tone and a moody video - in which Gain looks hot as fuck. 'Apple' is a pretty damn good song with a fun, bubbly tone and a fun video - in which Gain looks hot as fuck (also Jay Park has the most obvious non-verse since any of Jihyun's verses in 4Minute songs).

It is more than just the songs sounding good, and Gain looking good though, these are all important factors -  I assure you -  but in addition to these already positive factors, Gain has come back with a balls-out pretentious concept album to appeal to prog-rock enthusiasts. The concept is based on the Genesis story in which Hawwah, the first woman created by Yahweh, experiences the first temptation which then leads to the creation of free will and mankind's fall from grace. It is a modern retelling I think, but regardless, it sounds like a Coheed and Cambria concept that was scrapped for not being wacky enough.

Anyways, this comeback made me consider the possibilities of religious texts as a basis for concept albums so I came up with these:

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

SM Keeps Trolling Me With Red Velvet

SM admitted a new member to the awesome Red Velvet, and once again, there's an underage member in the group!

Minah Fails to Grasp Korea's Hottest Spring Fashion Trends

Recently solo-debuted Minah of Girl's Day is making the rounds for the promotion of her hit new single "I am a Woman Too." We all knew she was a woman already, but I'm sure she had her concerns from being seen as the derpy kkap queen with a side of aegyo all the time. Not that she isn't a derpy kkap queen with a healthy serving of aegyo, but you get my point because I'm getting off-topic.

Her recent street performance outfit has been drawing criticism for being behind the times.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Seized Documents Reveal Polaris' Controversial New Girl Group Concept

Following the news that Polaris Entertainment's Lee Gyu Tae was arrested for fraud, more information has surfaced revealing a shocking new concept the company was planning to debut sometime next year.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

The things I would do to Seulong

I've recently come to appreciate the example of human perfection that is Seulong. I'd known about him for years through his inclusion in 2AM, but I'd never paid him any attention because, ew, 2AM. He caught my notice lately, though, with his overshadowing of almost everyone in the Uee drama "Hogu's Love" and his appearance on "Unpretty Rapstar."

To satisfy my newfound craving for all things Seulong and in response to HAM IT UP U BLASPHEMOUS BEAUTY's recent request for moar dick* on this site, I present this gift of Seulong pics to everyone.

In extra large photo size, because I know how you like it

* DISCLAIMER: No visible dick appears in this piece. My Google image search for "Seulong dick" only turned up random clothed photos of him and this link to a particularly disturbing OH thread on Chanyeol's bulge (something I did not, in fact, need to see in my lifetime.) A search for "Seulong's long dong" proved equally fruitless. 

Kpopalypse Nugu Alert Episode 8: Icycider, K-Trance, APLUS

Yes that's right it's back again, the k-pop video series that you love to hate to love:

bestienugu copy

Kpopalypse is going back into nuguland to check out some more nugus!

Saturday, March 14, 2015

False advertising: The frightening truth of 'Unpretty Rapstar'

For lack of anything better to do with my life, I have been watching "Unpretty Rapstar." It came in the aftermath of being late to the party of watching "Show Me the Money 3," as I thought it would be interesting to see a show that focused more on female MCs because you could predict most of the finalists for "SMTM3" from many miles away. It has been a pretty decent show with plenty of smack talking to keep things spicy. However, I am frankly disgusted that the show has lied to me with its title. If a show is called "Unpretty Rapstar," I expect to see horrifically unattractive people spitting super hot fire but it seems that me and a Korean broadcasting station differ on our views on what the show should have been about. Not only do they not always spit hot fire, but some of them are also decidedly un-unpretty. Due to this absolute travesty of nomenclature, I have made a countdown of the original eight cast members regarding who best fits the phrase "unpretty rapstar" with the unprettiest being at No. 8 and the person with the greatest disregard for the integrity of the naming of TV shows at No. 1. As my hip-hop sisters say, Leggo.

Friday, March 13, 2015

[MV Review] Stellar - Fool

Another Sweetune release by the controversial butt-scratching milk-bathing nugu-turned-nutbuster girl group Stellar. But does it live up to their last three solid feature tracks?

It's a beautiful day to be alive!

Spread the news! World peace can be had!

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Best of the Worst: March 12, 2015

Hello again, friends, haters and social misfits! The week was a standout one for Clara. She avoided a lawsuit with advertisers, the CEO of Polaris Entertainment was arrested, and she released this book:

Available at a grocery checkout near you

How Much Jizz Has Been Fapped to 'Paradise Lost'?

My suggestion for Gain's new logo.
Professor Soyeon here, who has all the answers in life, particularly when those questions are, "Just how much jizz has been fapped to various Kpop videos." In my last installment we tackled 'Wiggle Wiggle' and today we're going to take a look at Gain's new single, 'Paradise Lost'.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

[AKF Interview] Fei's Secret To Having A Fappable Body

I read this article from Soompi about Fei's secret to having a toned body, and knew that I wanted to interview her to get the truth from her. Fei was kind enough to grant me this interview, knowing that this week, my spring break, was the only chance I would have to interview her before I had to enlist in the military.

Fiestar Release Official Fapcam Compilation Version of You're Pitiful, LOEN is GOAT

Perhaps in an attempt to cash in on a fat Hani-esque fapcam popularity boost, LOEN Entertainment has put together an official compilation (or cumpilation if you're so inclined) of the best fapcams of You're Pitiful to date.

How to be a fan of a Korean pop idol

Being a fan of a Korean pop idol might be something for which you require guidelines.

For this tutorial, you will need:


Let's begin.

Friday, March 6, 2015

The 1st Annual Kpop Hunger Games

The opening field.

Not too far into the future a great calamity overtook the world of Kpop. After years of extremely bland, derivative songs and poorly written articles a great battle was fought. After years of harsh fighting, most of Kpop was completely destroyed except for a few groups who went into hiding and several blog authors. Eventually those groups came out of hiding and were split into 12 districts. As punishment for their transgressions each district is mandated to send 2 representatives or tributes to a fight to the death with only one person emerging victorious.

This is a recap of how the first ever Kpop Hunger Games played out.

(Please note, this is entirely random so don't accuse me of stacking the results.)

[MV Review] FIESTAR - You're Pitiful

Jeistar Fiestar have made their comeback with the mini album BLACK LABEL, and their lead single "You're Pitiful" is one of their best offerings yet.

YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED (unless you don't like Jei, in which case you will probably be severely disappointed)

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Best of the Worst: March 5, 2015

Yewon earned a new title this week: Nation's Punching Bag.

Please take out your minor frustrations on me
and then blame me for it.

No, really, I want you to scream at me.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

The February honours list

The decadent Hollywood awards season is just about coming to a close as they all pat themselves on the back and give themselves more money. Awards seem to have greater value when they are only given out once a year, so I have decided to completely diminish their value by giving out monthly awards where I can praise the good, bash the bad, fap to the fappable, and generally do what I want. For the best and worst of each month, I will also add in runners-up so as not to piss anyone off by their favourite narrowly missing out. Enjoy my opinions. I know I will.

Han Hye Jin Is Now Pregnant And I'm At A Crossroad

This news got buried beneath the news of Kim Hyun Joong knocking up the chick he beat the shit out of. However, more importantly, I have been pondering whether she should still be my favorite, and after a week, I have found my answer.