Tuesday, March 17, 2015

SM Keeps Trolling Me With Red Velvet

SM admitted a new member to the awesome Red Velvet, and once again, there's an underage member in the group!

When Red Velvet first debuted, Joy was the one who caught my attention. She has the thickest body in the group, so I definitely wanted to bang her. And hard. As soon as I whipped out my onahole and a bottle of Astroglide, I was ready to go to town and fap to Joy. Right before I unzipped my pants, I heard a knock on the door.

"Man, who the fuck could it be?" I said to myself as I walked to the front door. I had made no plans that day and didn't have work, so I wanted some me time -- which is essentially more fap time.

I finally reached the door and grabbed the door knob. As I turned it, I saw a familiar face.

"Oh God damn it, I'm not watching child porn," I told Chris.

"I know that, but you're about to jack it to someone who is underage," he said as he entered my apartment as if he was invited. "You know that I can't allow that."

"Who is the underage one?" I asked, with the onahole still in left left hand.

"Joy is," replied Chris.

"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!" I yelled as I slammed the onahole to the floor.

"Well, can't I just fap to Irene, then?" I asked as I crouched down to pick up the onahole.

"I can't let you do that," Chris said. "There's still someone underage in the music video. You may just be using Irene as an excuse and you'll try to fap to Joy without me knowing."

"Well, can't I just fap to an Irene fancam when it comes out?" I asked, trying in anyway to fap to Red Velvet.

"No, Joy may still show up in Irene's fancam, and what if you busted a nut while Joy showed up?" asked Chris.

"Son of a bitch," I said as I went to my computer. I sat down in the chair and pulled up Wikipedia.

"Oh come on, she turns 18 next month. Can't you cut me some slack?" I pleaded.

"No, rules are rules," said Chris.

In the end, Chris wouldn't let me fap to Red Velvet as long as Joy was underage. While Red Velvet did come out with a remake of a boring SES song later that year when Joy was over 18, the song was so boring that my penis wouldn't get hard at all.


I didn't know anything about the new member of Red Velvet until I watched the music video. I was busy as fucking shit during my spring break, so I asked AKF to cover for me for a week. We had the 3/15 deadline for corporate tax returns and then I had so much school work to catch up on, I had no idea that Red Velvet even planned on adding a new member.

When I saw Yeri, I had my onahole and bottle of Astroglide ready. I heard the door knock again. "It better be AKF so that we can work on our project together. If it's someone else, I'm going to be pissed."

As I opened the door, I got angry as shit.


It was Chris Hansen. Again.


"Sorry, Yeri is underage," said Chris. He then pulled out his phone and showed me Yeri's profile. "She was born on March 5, 1999. She just turned 16."


Chris started laughing at me, as if he was in some kind of secret alliance with SM Entertainment so that I couldn't fap to Red Velvet.

"What if I fapped to Yeri pretending that she was pegging me?" I asked Chris. "Technically she would be boning me, so that should be alright."

"Nope, sexual activity of any kind involving an underage girl and I'll be here to stop you," laughed Chris.

"God fucking damn it," I sighed as I dropped my onahole.

"Hey, you do know that Ga-in released two music videos last week that you can fap to instead, right" asked Chris Hansen.

And thankfully Chris Hansen saved me from having blue balls.


  1. Fans of Joy should be the happiest about Yeri. If it weren't for her, Joy would be stuck pretending to be innocent for the maknae role.

    1. Joy was the only one i could differentiate. The others are too similar-looking. Am i noob or..?

  2. Is Yeri the one in the first picture? She sort of looks like Naeun from Apink.
    I'll pretend to be Australian for now, brb...

  3. How can you care about that ugly face, man?
    That's one hell of an unjoyous face. It's so wide.

    1. This coming from someone who faps to those retarded-looking twins in Crayon Pop?

    2. The twins' faces aren't wide, my uneducated friend.

      @fegit; I didn't say anything about Yeri. I thought it was clear I meant "joy". Sougly is also shit.
      Wendy looks kinda attractive, in a kinda weird way with her eyes. Irene and that new girl are genuinly pretty.

    3. @No; sorry!! Im not very good at reading between the lines.

  4. Holy crap she's a 99-er?! Lol wut. Thats creepy. Next thing i know a 00-er (my age) is going to debut.

    1. You were born in 2000? Get off the internet and go do your multiplication tables homework.

    2. this used to be the rule rather than the exception

      Wonder Girls began with three 14-year-olds

      it's only the last few years groups started debuting a bunch of wrinkly old ajhummas

    3. @Xodus: People born in 2000 are gonna be 15 this year.

    4. Word!
      This is why we should all lurve our fellow AKFers, underaged or not.
      Also, better to love an ahjumma idol than trespass into illegal love.
      Whatever that means.

      My take on this article:
      Photo 1: Looks like Kangnam
      Photo 2: I STILL cannot stand looking at two-tone hair colour.

      Whatevs, back to perusing the sexy Seulong article.

  5. It's so odd seeing an idol younger than me...

    1. Only BEG girls are older than me :-s

    2. Guess I'll get over it.
      When I learned Jungkook and I were the same age I flipped but now I just feel creepy fangirling over someone a whole grade under me :~p.

  6. i'm a 99-er so it's safe to say that i can fap to her.

  7. I can't even tell who's who in this group. Granted I only watch their videos a few times.

  8. Wow, so many 90 kids here, i am 1985 , so does that make me the eldest chap here??

  9. If you were in the UK you could fap to Yeri.

    1. Does anyone actually fap to idols? I mean, that's really creepy..

    2. Probably doesn't feel creepy when you're doing it.

    3. @fegit; I'm making an educated guess here and say AKF is THE pro k-pop fapdom.

  10. i don't give a shit she's fucking adorable

  11. So, will Chris Hansen come-a-knocking if you fap to an old fancam of Joy when she was under 18, but she's over 18 now???

    Let's find out...

    1. Turns out, no.

      You're welcome. ;)


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