False advertising: The frightening truth of 'Unpretty Rapstar'

For lack of anything better to do with my life, I have been watching "Unpretty Rapstar." It came in the aftermath of being late to the party of watching "Show Me the Money 3," as I thought it would be interesting to see a show that focused more on female MCs because you could predict most of the finalists for "SMTM3" from many miles away. It has been a pretty decent show with plenty of smack talking to keep things spicy. However, I am frankly disgusted that the show has lied to me with its title. If a show is called "Unpretty Rapstar," I expect to see horrifically unattractive people spitting super hot fire but it seems that me and a Korean broadcasting station differ on our views on what the show should have been about. Not only do they not always spit hot fire, but some of them are also decidedly un-unpretty. Due to this absolute travesty of nomenclature, I have made a countdown of the original eight cast members regarding who best fits the phrase "unpretty rapstar" with the unprettiest being at No. 8 and the person with the greatest disregard for the integrity of the naming of TV shows at No. 1. As my hip-hop sisters say, Leggo.

No. 8

Jolly V

Jolly V is not only the unprettiest, but she is also one of the best rappers, which makes her a perfect fit for the TV show. Aside from having a big face (a major downside in Korea for some reason or another), she has a voice that is deeper than every single member of BtoB, B2ST, BIGBANG, Block B, Bigstar, BTS, Boyfriend, Boys' Republic, and any other group whose name begins with B.

Just because she is the anointed one who fits the criteria of the title best doesn't make her exempt from making terrible music as this single proves. However, on the show and "SMTM3," her rapstar qualities are undeniable. There isn't a whole lot to say here; she ain't pretty, and she is a good rapper. She is the only one who is undeniably made for the purpose of this show.

No. 7

Lil Cham

Lil Cham was another one who seemed to get the memo. She looks pretty frightening most of the time, and her raps are usually about violent sex or summat (idk I went by what she said about herself in her introduction because she has been an uninteresting and pretty terrible participant on the show). You know what isn't pretty? Forgetting your lyrics. It is thanks to people such as Lil Cham that the show is able to retain even a shred of credibility: Whereas other contestants have been consistently brilliant rappers who remember their lyrics and generally do things correctly, Lil Cham forgets lyrics, writes shit lyrics, and dances in a manner that you can call anything but pretty . Not to mention the fact that she goes to Yonsei University; nothing says "unpretty" like being a nerd and ripping off students. A real class act, Lil Cham and Jolly V are the top tier of Unpretty Rapstars; bow down before them. Everyone else is just filler.

BONUS: According to her Twitter, she is "No Saint No Angel," which acts as a piece of foreshadowing to someone far higher up on the list who didn't unpretty herself before joining the show. Lil Cham be throwing shade all over the place.

No. 6

Cheetah

Cheetah is undoubtedly the best rapper on "Unpretty Rapstar." No one has ever attempted to deny this, and if they did, they were hilariously wrong. Despite this, she has lost to Jimin twice because of major help from above and San E busting a nut anytime Jimin walks into the room. But I digress, she has also been consistently engaging in unpretty actions such as swearing and confusing the fuck out of Kangnam from M.I.B. She is easily much more attractive than the previous two people, which did lose her points but she is doing all she can to make up for that by being violent and pugnacious. That's all we can really ask of her short of getting plastic surgery to make it look like her face is 8 feet wide so that she can keep up with Jolly V.

She even unprettied herself up a bit.

Cheetah understands how hair works on the patented "Pretty scale." Short-ish hair (let's say just under shoulder length) is seen to be cute, which has greater connotations of "pretty" than Cheetah's current "boyish" look, which in combination with her on fleek make-up, would make most people back down. As you can see, she has always looked fierce, but she wanted to take it to the next level by lopping her locks off. Cheetah definitely put in the most effort to be a part of "Unpretty Rapstar," but she can't compete with the god-given talent of Jolly V and Lil Cham.

No. 5

Jessi

I don't think anything says "unpretty" quite like terrifying and intimidating people. If there is anything that all my years of wallowing in my own filth has taught me, it is that. I was going to put Jessi behind Cheetah because of how much everyone on the show seems to hate her, but unfortunately she loses points because she is really fucking hot outside of the show.

Her reaction faces are also pure gold.

However she claws her way to a safer place on the list for a large number of reasons, first and foremost being her weird honking sound that Kisum picked up on. Seriously, that sounds like a shittier version of Kanye's trademark scream and earned her a large number of unpretty points. Then there was this train wreck of an occasion where she whines about the fact that she was voted worst on the last mission and asks the question "Who are you to judge me?" (Hint: Part of the last mission was judging each other.) Don't get me wrong, whining can be cute, and cute is relatively synonymous with pretty. But as soon as the phrase "I'll slap a bitch if I have to" is wheeled out, whining stops being pretty and starts being incredibly confrontational. Also Jessi mainly raps in English, which means that armies of Koreaboos find her much less pretty than the other cast members because English is so ugly and has lost all meaning and Korean is really 예쁜. However this actually made her prettier because Koreaboos are fuckboys, a damn shame for her as that is not entirely her fault. Still, she would have been at Jolly V's level if not for the fact that she has the capability to be hot.

No. 4

Yook Jidam

The above gif shows Yook Jidam trying to fit in and be as unpretty as possible. The inescapable fact is that Yook Jidam is a schoolgirl, and due to the prevalence of anime neckbeards on the Internet, we now all believe schoolgirls to be totally cute. As we discussed earlier, cute and pretty are basically synonymous, so here we are: Yook Jidam has ended up at No. 4. In all honesty, I think she fits the definition of the show rather well, and it is just unfortunate that Jessi threatened to murder everyone's family because Jidam doesn't deserve to be associated with the unholy trinity of the top 3 who shit all over the premise of the show. It isn't even as if Jidam doesn't try. She growls like she eats gravel for breakfast, she dresses really fucking weirdly (as the above image shows) and she generally seems really, really angry when she raps. Until she gets out of high school, though, she has to stay at No. 4.

Also, she does post a fair number of selcas that keep her unprettiness below that of Jessi's. If Jessi put out any selcas, they would just be pictures of her next to some innocent children she massacred. That shit ain't pretty; why the fuck would you do that Jessi? Jidam may not fit the concept of the show, as well, but at least she hasn't torn a household apart.

No. 3

Jimin

I bet you were expecting Jimin to be the worst of the worst, as far away from the unpretty end of the spectrum as possible. Well to be perfectly honest, none of these next three people should even be considered a legitimate part of the show anymore because it comes down to personal taste as to which one of them is the most shamefully un-unpretty. I don't know how much I will achieve by insulting the top three considering they are so close in terms of how little they fit the show. I guess I should have used the word "rapstar" as the yardstick for where they go from here, but I haven't been putting too much focus on that from the start. For the record, Jimin has been pretty mediocre throughout but somehow wins because San E has a raging boner for her (as do I, but I digress). I don't really know how much else I can say. I am too disgusted, so will just post a picture of Jimin forgetting what the fucking show was supposed to be about.

What the fuck are you doing Jimin?

No. 2

Tymee

Tymee is probably the most attractive contestant on "Unpretty Rapstar." What keeps her from the dreaded No. 1 spot is the fact that she is nearly 30, which brings her further away from being a schoolgirl and thus further away from being cute, thus being less pretty (my logic is impeccable). She has also been having an ongoing fight with Jolly V, which I guess also contributes in some way, shape, or form. Since the show is based on battle rapping, Jolly V usually seems to be doing better,but if it is just a straight rap, Tymee has definitely been superior. Jolly V goes harder in the battle rap because she is resentful of the fact that Tymee has been allowed on the show despite not fitting the definition at all. I would be exceptionally angry, too. The show is called "Unpretty Rapstar," and they allow people like Tymee on in a desperate bid to boost ratings because the producers are hoping she will chainsaw Jolly V's beanie off. Tymee's inclusion shows flagrant disregard for any integrity that these fat cat TV producers pretended to have. I'm going to write an angry letter, so whilst I do that, have these pictures of Tymee to get your blood boiling.

IT'S CALLED UNPRETTY RAPSTAR YOU SHIT

DID YOU EVEN READ THE FUCKING INVITE?

No. 1

Kisum

I could not be more livid about this. In no way is Kisum unpretty. What were these uneducated producers thinking? Even when she completely destroys Jessi I don't feel she is making an effort to be unpretty. This just shows how she disregards the show that people worked so hard to invent a concept for. Maybe for her audition, she turned up with a prosthetic nose and chin so that she could be a stowaway on the show for the sake of publicity. Maybe her Cheetah mother didn't teach her about the perfect length for pretty hair because Kisum has fallen within the boundaries of pretty hair, which builds up the case against her appearance on the show. Doesn't she realise that there are unpretty rapstars who need the publicity more than she does? This is very cross-making; why couldn't she have just played by the rules? In its current state, the show is not delivering what it said it would, and Kisum must be treated as the main perpetrator. Shame on you.

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In case people are wholly devoid of understanding irony, I am very much enjoying "Unpretty Rapstar," even if Jimin isn't nearly as good as her track record makes her out to be. Peace and love to you all.