The February honours list

The decadent Hollywood awards season is just about coming to a close as they all pat themselves on the back and give themselves more money. Awards seem to have greater value when they are only given out once a year, so I have decided to completely diminish their value by giving out monthly awards where I can praise the good, bash the bad, fap to the fappable, and generally do what I want. For the best and worst of each month, I will also add in runners-up so as not to piss anyone off by their favourite narrowly missing out. Enjoy my opinions. I know I will.

Best song

Runners-up

'0 (Young)' (Giriboy, Mad Clown, Jooyoung feat. No Mercy)

Starship have absolutely killed it this month with the ending of their elimination show "No Mercy" coming to a zenith of tension and quality of output. The most memorable of the challenges saw the trainees split into two groups and perform a song with established artists. This team won, so they got to release an MV for their song, which is a top quality banger. Mad Clown has definitely delivered better verses and Jooyoung hogs loads of lines, but there are two points that stand out for me in particular. The first is I.M's killer verse just after Mad Clown's confusing and pointless rap to start out the song. The other rapper (Jooheon) is considered superior to I.M, but if you only had this song to go by, there would be absolutely no contest. I.M has awesome presence, a sexy deep voice (for those who are attracted to voices) and has a big ass nose if you are into that. The other highlight is when the beat drops ever so slightly later than you expect as the chorus, which has all the makings of a trashy trap song, which it is, but it works in the best of ways. The other group got to release an MV, too, which is growing on me but couldn't do enough in a short time to usurp this.

'Interstellar' (Jooheon, Hyungwon, I.M feat. Yella Diamond)

I did say that Starship have been killing it. "Interstellar" edges "0 (Young)" because there is a greater focus on the rap and Jooyoung doesn't plaster himself all over it. Seriously, "0 (Young)" is amazing, but it sounds like a hip-hop song that had to grudgingly allow its singer friends to take part. Hyungwon's singing doesn't get in the way of the three rappers here. Admittedly, in this song, Jooheon is far superior to I.M (who commits the cardinal sin of referencing Hi Suhyun and their appalling debut single), but they both get rapped off the track by their producer and collaborator Yella Diamond. It is very reminiscent of "Control" in that regard aside from the fact that it is almost nothing like "Control." The video is also better because they are not even trying to pretend that it was filmed for any more than £4.00 and they got in some irrelevant (but very welcome) girls in space-age skintight suits to assist them. Of course, it would have been better if Sistar had been in the video (but not the song, Sistar's line of form has been poor), but what can you do? Would still jam to this.

Winner

'Black Swan' (Rainbow)

All sensible thinking people love "Black Swan." For most other groups, a song of this caliber would undoubtedly be the best they have ever done, but Rainbow are a rare case and "Black Swan" has "A" and "Sunshine" to compete with. The production on "Black Swan" is what makes it so outstanding. It is understated and fantastically paced (the weird slowdown for the rap break being an exception) with the gaps just before it drops into the chorus being a great idea as it lends the chorus far more impact when it comes in than it would otherwise have had. The song could also have done with an actual ending rather than just stopping at the end of the chorus, but I am willing to let it slide because everything else about it had been amazing. It is a universal truth that Hyunyoung looks best in Rainbow music videos, but Noeul comes a very close second this time with a makeover they should ensure she keeps. Of course, her and Yoonhye still get no lines because the other members are more talented/popular/attractive (according to general Korean standards) and Hyunyoung gets about half the lines, but if that means she is on screen for half the time, it is perfectly okay with me. Every other group needs to step up their game if this is the bar they have to reach this year.

Worst song

Runners-up

'Sniper' (Shinhwa)

There are a multitude of things wrong with "Sniper," chief of which is that Shinhwa's company is certain that they can rap. Another problem is that the production is simultaneously crowded and empty. These two issues work in conjunction with each other to make a truly terrible song. About half of the song is insufferably poor rapping, and the key vocal parts are often when the song slows down and gets intensely boring. The last chorus is, admittedly, enjoyable until they chuck another rap on it, which serves only to undo all of their hard work. I heard complaints that "Black Swan" doesn't really build to anything, but that is far truer for "Sniper," which actually decreases in intensity. Plus, even if you don't like "Black Swan" (because you are wrong and should feel bad), you can look at the unbelievably attractive people in front of you. Shinhwa have an average age of 87, so there really is no reason to prefer this to "Black Swan."

Rainbow 1-0 Shinhwa

'Lovekiller' (Niel feat. Dok2)

Before this song, I didn't like Niel, and I didn't like Dok2. I am so pleased that this song proved that my opinions continue to be objective truth. Whenever a group or a person I dislike does a new song, part of me wants to like it, and goddamn it, I tried with "Lovekiller." But it is just insanely boring. As soon as it starts, I want to skip through to see if anything will happen. It takes physical effort not to skip to halfway through the song (which is still bad but there are drums which make it 0.01% more interesting). Dok2 also turns up for a completely unnecessary verse that doesn't fit with the beat. Dok2 isn't the most talented rapper in the first place, so it is unfair to expect the poor child to be good on a beat that sounds like it was never supposed to have a rap anywhere near it. After the rap, they forgot to write a good segue into the final chorus, and then there is a terrible key change. This song is a train wreck, and it breaks my heart that it has won a music show.

Winner

'지키자카조코조' (Dok2)

I refuse to dignify this song with an argument for why it is bad. It should be wholly self-evident. Dok2 continues his baffling popularity. Beenzino is the best one on Illionaire, and he is the only one who isn't a CEO. I have listened to this song twice, and that is enough for life.

Fashion trend that I hope doesn't catch on

Sparkly Eyebrows

Okay so for those who haven't heard "Beautiful" by Kixs, you can be forgiven for it passing you by. I just caught it on 1theK's page. I think the song itself is really rather good and the video is mainly great because it has Goo Hara, and all things with Goo Hara are eternally worthwhile.

Proof

There is, however, one thing in this video that is not eternally worthwhile, and that is the disgusting thing that Kixs has done with his eyebrows. Considering he is a rookie, I doubt this will catch on, but if it becomes his defining fashion statement, then may God have mercy on us all. If G-Dragon had done it, then we would have to deal with sparkly eyebrows for the rest of our lives. This time we got off lucky.

Most improved

VIXX

I make no secret of the fact that I have not been a fan of a large part of VIXX's work. In all honesty, I kinda like "Voodoo Doll" and would rather listen to Apator than basically everything else in their back catalogue. Even VIXX fans complained about "Love Equation" so I was ready to unleash a tirade of hatred, and on first listen, I thought it was incredibly poor. But it was one hell of a grower. I don't think it is brilliant by any stretch of the imagination and the verses are way better than the chorus, but this is so much better than "Eternity" or "Error," hence why they get this proverbial wooden spoon of "most improved." The song would also be dead without Ravi as his rap in the first verse is the best bit by a country mile; the tone of his voice works very well with the production. I feel that I should hate this, but it really isn't too bad. Good job, I guess.

Most fappable fancam

This one

I probably could have just included any random fancam for this month. I ain't gotta write shit.

Worst title

too very so MUCH (MYNAME)

tHis tiTlE iS CaSE seNSITive.

Best song about menstruation

'Goodbye PMS' (Lizzy & Park Myungsoo)

I feel confident that this can be a monthly award. "Goodbye PMS" is kinda fun in the way that it sounds like the opening to a slice-of-life anime. Park Myungsoo is terrifying without being dressed up as a maniacal period, and the video is really confusing. It won a prestigious award from me; that's worth everything.

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So there are the important February awards. If the winners want to drop round to my house to pick up their awards, then that is within their rights. They have earned it. Please applaud everyone for taking part.