Tuesday, December 17, 2013

BESTie Saves Christmas (And Me)

While I was on my knees, hanging on by a mere thread, a miracle had happened. I had just listened to Park Bom and Lee Hi murder a song. The song was so bad that I thought Satan must have produced the song as dark crimson blood continued to ooze out from my ear canals. I had always joked about canal rape, but I had just experienced it first hand. I wanted to apologize to Girls Generation for saying that I Got A Boy canally raped me, but that was just an exaggeration compared to what I had just experienced.

I looked ahead, staring at the sky as nightfall was quickly approaching. I didn't want to die like this. I had so much to live for. My eyelids started growing heavy as my upper body started becoming weak. I inhaled the cold-as-fucking-shit air one last time before my head became too heavy for my neck to hold any longer. As my head was diving towards the ground, I smirked, thinking to myself how I thought it was hilarious that a Kpop song had killed me instead of a delusional fangirl.

My eyes slowly opened up, and I was trying to adjust to the light. I glanced my eyes to the left and the right and only saw bright white all around. "So, this is heaven, huh?" I thought and I stood up and looked around. I saw the four members of BESTie and was happy, since Haeryung looked amazingly jjangbak.

"So, am I really dead?" I asked as I approached the four members of BESTie.

"No," said a manly voice from another room.

I looked as the door was opening to see a fatass son of a bitch wearing red. It was fucking Santa Claus.

"I thought you weren't real," I told Santa as soon as I saw him. "But wait, this must mean that I really am dead."

"Nah, I just like fucking with kids," said Santa as he grabbed another cookie from a box and shoved it in his mouth. "I like making them think that I'm real, then having them find out the 'truth' that I'm not real, and then appearing to them when they're adults to make them think they're schizophrenic."

"Man, and I thought I was fucked up, but you're worse than me," I retorted as I started peeking at Haeryung again. God, she is so hot. "Anyway, Santa, why do you look like an Arab?"

"To fuck with Megyn Kelly. She said that I was white, so I changed my appearance to fuck with her," said Santa as he sat down and started drinking a huge glass of milk.

"Well, I thought you would be white, too. I mean, come on, you live in the North Pole where there's hardly any sunlight," I said to Santa while I was still eyeing Haeryung.

"Of course I'm white. Did you think I was black or something? If I was black, no presents would ever get delivered," said Santa as he was laughing.

"Santa, I don't think you should be making black jokes. Black Kpop fangirls have the highest of double standards. They laugh at any jokes I make about whites and Asians and never question them, but as soon as I make a black joke once every six months, they go apeshit," I said in a somewhat concerned tone.

"Fuck them," said Santa as he gulped down his glass of milk. "Every year I have gifted them the ability to learn how to take a fucking joke, but they never open the box," said Santa as he opened another box of cookies.

"But what if you packaged that gift with a bucket of KFC?" I said.

"I tried that before. They just eat the ability to take a fucking joke along with the chicken, and that just makes them even more butthurt when people make black jokes. That's why they're in the state they are in," said Santa.

As I had no fucks left to give about this conversation, I asked "Santa, how did you revive me?"

"Well, after I threw up from seeing Bom and Lee Hi grow dicks and start fucking you in the ears--" said Santa before he was cut off.

"WAIT? THEY DID WHAT?!" I asked as I was getting pissed.

"Yeah, as soon as you started listening to 'All I Want For Christmas', Bom and Lee Hi teleported to your house and started fucking you in each ear. They have dicks so big that they make a horse look like he has a micropenis," said Santa as he was munching down on some more cookies.

"So I wasn't imagining that I was being brutally raped in each ear? But how's come I didn't see them? I thought it was all psychological..." I said.

"Well, the pain was so unbearable for you that you had blacked out and just dreamed that it was psychological pain. I witnessed that shit first hand and it was fucking brutal," said Santa as he pulled out a portable toilet and pulled down his pants before he sat on it.

"So how and why did you save me?" I asked Santa.

"Well, I must keep you alive. Since your fucking bitch-ass President makes it so hard to obtain coal these days, I can't give coals to all of the delusional fangirls all over the world. I need your help to teach them their lesson," said Santa before a torrent of diarrhea shot out of his asshole. "I pulled down my pants and started shitting at Bom and Lee Hi, but it didn't work since they're both used to shit. Yang Hyun Suk drowns each member in an Olympic-sized pool full of shit before they debut. So I had to jizz out candy canes to drive them away. After that, I used a magic healing spell to restore your ears to their normal condition."

I nodded, believing the story because after all the strange shit that has happened in Kpop, this seemed pretty logical. "But why is BESTie here," I asked.

"Well, you still wouldn't wake up, so I had to work with BESTie to make a Christmas song to revive you and all of the readers at AKF. I chose BESTie because they're just fucking awesome," said Santa.

All four members of BESTie started stripping and I was salivating. Everything started becoming blurry and I woke up back at my house. "Oh, God damn it," I said. "Fucking Santa trolled me." I looked next to my bed and saw a note from Santa that had a YouTube link to it. I went onto YouTube and typed in the address to that video and saw BESTie stripping and pole dancing.

"God fucking damn it, Santa, you fucking troll."


  1. I was tempted to stop reading after, "While I was on my knees," and not find out how this continued.

  2. inb4 butthurt black kpop fangirls shit on this

    1. black kpop fangirls are so unpredictable one minute their peaceful and worshipping UCCAD kpop idols the next their writing poorly spelt saying "dats racist!!!1"

  3. Where can I subscribe to your Asianfanfics account?

  4. I kept expecting Santa to lol and reveal that he was KKS all along

  5. I just hit my mute button and could still hear Megyn Kelly's eyerolls. Delusional kpop fangirls are almost as pathetic as the overreaction at the haters of Fox News.

    1. I actually agree with Megyn Kelly more than the libtards that are on MSNBC/CNN/CBS/ABC/NBC, but I just thought it would be funny to have Santa be an Arab in this story.

  6. I srsly want Uji sit on me this X-mas

  7. That's my rookie group of the year right there. I luuuuuuuhhhh dem gurlz.

  8. I read the whole thing and nondded my head but it was only when I clicked the video and didn't see any stripping and pole-dancing that I realised this story was fictional.

    1. pole dancing on Christmas song. FUK YEAHHH

    2. So you believed the part where Park Bom and Lee Hi showed up at my house, grew enormous dicks and started fucking me in the ears? lol

    3. Didn't seem too far-fetched. We already know Bom likes the occasional clinic visit so who knows what she's had done downstairs... and Lee Hi kind of already looks like a dude.

  9. Spending a night with Uji will be the perfect Christmas gift. One can dream.

  10. came here for Haeryung, very little mention about her in the article :(

  11. I lost it at Megyn Kelly.

  12. http://over17mirrors.tumblr.com/post/60469145944/faineemae-who-cares-if-it-was-racist-it-was

  13. this jjangbak song is truly underrated but i love it! as much as i love HaeRyung and HeyYeon (because she looks like SeungYeon long lost twin sister)


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