Saturday, July 12, 2014

Kpopalypse and AKF's Red Light Mission - Part 1

Hey everyone, great news! As two of the only authors on AKF that love f(x)'s Red Light and two of the only authors that write fanfics on here, we had the bright idea of teaming up to write a fanfic together. We're still working on this on the side as we both focus on the articles we normally do, but we'll try to post a new part once every two weeks or so. We already have a basic outline of how things are going to transpire, but even we don't know the details of what we're going to write. Essentially, Kpopalypse writes some of it, then I write some of it. We feed off each other, so don't be surprised in later chapters if the fanfic becomes disturbing...wait, that's the reason you guys continue to visit the site in the first place.

For continuity, this version of AKF is based off the character AKF from the Fanfic Fridays: AKF Bangs Every Member In Popu Lady and Thus Spake Jiyeonthustra fanfics I wrote in April. The Kpopalypse character is also a fictionalized version of himself.

Many moons have passed since AKF had set out on a journey to Korea to find the mythical Cyclops Overlord that had reportedly healed him back to life. The seasons had changed too, and AKF knew that while life was bleak, summer meant an f(x) comeback. While he could not find the Cyclops Overlord to heal him, he had the thought that Chinese Sex Goddess Victoria might be able to heal him.

Early July rolled around and f(x) was set to release "Red Light." AKF was ecstatic for it, as any sane K-pop fan would be. However, on the day the MV finally came out, AKF was not able to view it on YouTube, but was able to listen to the song.

"Shit, UCAAD, this is song of the year material right here. I really wish I could watch the MV right now, but it's probably for the best that I can't watch it right now," lamented AKF as he looked down at his crotch. "Ever since those fucking skanks in Popu Lady chopped off my dick, I've had no desire to watch anything that would want to make me fap. I'm sure taking one look at Victoria would make me rage like a Tyrannosaurus Rex trying to jack off."

A few days had passed and SM Entertainment released the "Red Light" album. AKF went to the nearest store and purchased it because he wanted to support SM financially so that they would keep producing high-quality albums for f(x). AKF looked around and was perplexed to see no one else buying the album. The thought occurred to him that many people were either downloading the album or buying it online.

Once AKF returned to his hotel room, he opened the CD case and saw a letter enclosed. It stated that any f(x) fan who loved "Red Light" and the album was invited to a special fan meeting held the following week. AKF tossed the letter up into the air and pumped his fists. "You bet your God damn ass that I am going."

AKF had spent the next week listening to the "Red Light" album and the day of the fan meeting finally arrived. The location was a small auditorium with enough space to hold about 1,000 fans. AKF knew he had to leave early to make sure he got there in time.

Once AKF had arrived at the auditorium, he opened the door and saw many empty seats facing the stage lined up. Not a single person was there. "I must be here really early," muttered AKF as he walked toward the front to get a good seat. He turned on his MP3 player and listened to "Red Light" for the billionth time in the past week. "There's no way I could be the only person to love this song. I just wish I had been able to watch the music video, but my Internet had to Internet and not work." AKF finally took a seat in the first row at the very center and continued listening to the "Red Light" while awaiting for the fan meeting to start.

Meanwhile, Kpopalypse was sitting at his computer, busy sorting and answering his 673 questions for the day while his big black cat Satan purred in the background. Kpopalypse scrolled down the near-endless list of death threats, marriage proposals and Raina boob GIFs to the section right at the bottom where the “thoughts?” questions about k-pop songs lived – these are the questions he always delays as long as possible. He eyed off the first question in the list:

“I'd better clear some of this fucking backlog of boring shit”, Kpopalypse sighed heavily. He clicked the link, minimised the YouTube video, flipped back to and readied his fingers on the I, D, G, A and F keys for the anticipated response... but something unexpected happened. The song was actually good - not just good meaning good, but good meaning very good, a sonically adventurous electro-pop song, a breath of fresh air in the staid k-pop world of schmaltzy tedious ballads for emotionally stunted mental cripples, hideous technique-obsessed pandering to obsessive compulsive disorders of vocalfags and retreaded Bravesound-by-numbers. “What is this sorcery – someone actually sent me a song that doesn't lick a camel's ass?” Kpopalypse exclaimed as he clicked back to the YouTube video and read the title of the song. “Oh, it's the new f(x)... well, that explains it,” he thought.

Just then, a pop-up appeared on his screen:

“Hah! As if I'm going to fall for such an obvious scam,” Kpopalypse smirked. Just then Kpopalypse's cat Satan jumped up on the computer desk, knocked his mouse hand and forced his index finger down onto the gaudily-flashing “confirm” box. Kpopalypse's heart sunk – “oh shit, what have I done...” he wondered, quickly closing all his browser windows and running a malware and virus scan, lest he had just inadvertently sent his bank account details and passwords to an enterprising hacker in Burnika Faso. With nothing found, he thought no more of it and went to sleep, the chorus of “Red Light” going around and around in his head.

Two days later, Kpopalypse was checking his mailbox. In between the bills, notices from the local council admonishing him for excessive k-pop noise from his flat and letters from jilted ex-lovers saying that they're willing to give the relationship another chance as long as he is willing to restrict his “Sulli fap hour” to 30 minutes, was a letter postmarked from SM Entertainment in Korea. In disbelief, Kpopalypse tore open the envelope to reveal airplane and auditorium tickets! Kpopalypse resolved to always click dodgy Internet scams from this point onward, and made the necessary travel arrangements.

It was good weather with clear skies on the day that Kpopalypse arrived at the auditorium – a modest 1000-seat venue, it was easy to find, draped in gigantic rows of f(x) “Red Light” promotional posters.

Kpopalypse made his way through the foyer, handing in his tickets to a clerk with an extremely bored expression on her face, who dutifully rubber stamped his arm and ushered him into the venue. Kpopalypse walked out into the seating area to... nobody. He checked his phone for the time... was he too early or late? Did he have the right day? He peered into the front rows and noticed only one other person in the front, waiting. “Well, might as well go and say hello, maybe this person knows a bit more about what's going on.”

Kpopalypse walked up to the front row and called out for attention.

“Excuse me... is this really the f(x) fan meet?” he asked.

The man in the front row turned around and they instantly recognised each other – it was AKF! “Heey, my UCAAD!” AKF exclaimed, shaking Kpopalypse's hand. “Glad to finally meet! I was beginning to think that nobody would show!”

Kpopalypse reciprocated the handshake. “Good to see you! This is the f(x) fan meet, right?”

“Sure! Well... I think so!”

“So where is everyone?”

A moment of silence from AKF, and then he replied "I honestly have no idea. You would assume that more people would be here considering how awesome the song is."

Kpopalypse nodded in agreement. "I'm sure most people don't have shit taste like Zaku."

AKF laughed and replied "Yeah, that UCAAD fingers his butthole to the Korean version of Spock for Christ's sake."

This is how every dream Zaku has with TOP starts out.

AKF pulled out his new Galaxy S5, as he finally entered the 21st century by buying his first smartphone. "I'm going to check to see if SM cockblocked us and canceled the event at last minute." AKF checked SM Entertainment's Facebook and Twitter accounts and found out that the event was still scheduled for the same time. "Well, I have no idea what's going on," said AKF as he perused more sites to find any information.

"I have an idea," said Kpopalypse as he asked for AKF's phone. "I probably have another 500 questions in my, so maybe I can find out why no one is showing up." AKF handed Kpopalypse his phone and allowed him to log onto Kpopalypse was off, as he had 5,000 new questions, with 4,900 of them being about how much "Red Light" sucks.

"Hey AKF, a lot of cunts don't like the song. I expect UCAADs that have shitty taste like Zaku to dislike it, but for this many people to say that it sucks, something must be wrong here," stated Kpopalypse as he kept scrolling through his questions. "Most of them are complaining about the music video."

"Were you able to watch the music video?" inquired AKF. "I wasn't able to watch the MV because I was too busy listening to this jjangbak album."

"No," replied Kpopalypse. " I opened up the link when someone sent it to me on, but I opened it up in another tab. You have no idea how horrible it is to try to watch a music video on YouTube because of Tony Abbott. Getting a boner from watching Shindong molesting IU is more likely to happen than watching a music video on YouTube without it buffering all the time."

Kpopalypse went to YouTube on AKF's phone and clicked on the link to watch the "Red Light" music video. After four agonizing minutes of watching the music video, AKF and Kpopalypse looked at each other in disgust.

"No wonder people think the song sucks," blurted out Kpopalypse. "The members look like shit and I can't fap to Sulli with her wearing this outfit."

AKF nodded in agreement. "That wig the stylists put on Chinese Sex Goddess Victoria was cruel. Don't even get me started on Krystal. The bitch is usually hot, but with the blond hair, she looks too much like a white woman. Don't you remember that I don't find white women appealing? "

"I just checked Netizen Buzz, and while losing a few brain cells in the process, found out that Koreans really hate this song," said Kpopalypse as he was navigating through numerous dumb comments. "Sure, they're excited for g.o.d's sleep-inducing album, but I didn't expect the reaction to be this bad."

"Yeah, even that male backup dancer who gets a rap section or two in every song didn't ruin it," stated AKF. "What was his name again? Andy?"

"I think it might be Aaron, but I really don't give a fuck," replied Kpopalypse. "Even if Aaron was a girl, she wouldn't meet required standards."

Just then, the sound of footsteps echoed from the stage and an announcer dressed in a tuxedo holding a microphone approached the stage, grabbed a microphone and began his introduction speech.


The man's voice trailed off as he stared at the only two people in the room, AKF and Kpopalypse, who stared right back at him with blank expressions.

“Wait... you guys are IT?” the announcer asked.

AFK and Kpopalypse both shrugged.

“There wasn't a mixup with the advertising, was there? People know it's today?”

“I guess,” said Kpopalypse.

“People just hate the song because they're stupid,” AKF added.

The announcer looked puzzled. “Really?”

“Yeah, apparently,” Kpopalypse added. “Look – I've come a long way for this shit, do we get to see the girls now or what?”

“I don't know if it's worth it for just two people... oh, what the hell.” The announcer looked off to the side of the stage and waved his arms for someone to come over. The f(x) girls entered from the side of the stage in single file, all wearing their Red Light clothes and hair, plus big fake cheesy grins. As each girl took position and realised the lack of people in the room, the smiles dropped off their faces and the facade instantly disappeared.

“Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me,” said Krystal, looking around at the empty hall.

“Did somebody get the dates wrong?” asked Victoria.

“Cao ni ma,” sighed Sulli, under her breath.

Luna grimaced. “We're not supposed to be swearing in front of the fans, we're idols! Come on, team, let's have a positive attitude...”

Krystal and Sulli both visibly roll their eyes. “Bitch, there ARE no fucking fans!” yelled Krystal.

Sulli glared at Luna: “There's like, two fucking people here, like what we say even fucking matters! Luna, why do you always have to be such a cunt about everything? I've fucking had it with your goody two-shoes act, you pretend you're so nice but you're so fucking fake...”

Luna sneered at Sulli, narrowing her eyes. “It's just a suggestion. It's not Choiza's two-inch dick – you don't have to take it so hard.”

Sulli can't even feel Choiza's dick while doing a photo shoot.

Sulli flew into a rage. “I'm going to rip your throat out, your fucking mole!” Sulli made a lunge towards Luna, attempting to grab her by the hair, but Amber quickly positioned herself in the way, her muscular frame easily deflecting the assault. Amber looked over at AKF and Kpopalypse, both transfixed by the action. “Guys, there's no point using the stage for this. Just come around to the side door and the manager will take you backstage. We'll meet up there shortly. I've just got to take care of something here for a moment.”

“Thanks, Aaron!” said Kpopalypse.

AKF and Kpopalypse sat on a bench in a small backstage room, waiting.

“I was so caught up in what was going on that I forgot to take video, I've been dying to try out my new phone's video capture,” said AKF.

Kpopalypse laughed. “That's a shame, it would have made a great fancam post. Who do you think won the fight?”

Just then, the f(x) girls came into the room and sat in a line on a bench along the wall. Sulli and Luna both have noticeable facial bruising and sit together, not making eye contact with each other. All five members look tired and frustrated.

Amber was the first to speak. “Look, thanks guys for coming out. I know there's only two of you, but we really appreciate it that you made the effort.”

“That's okay, Andy – it's my pleasure!” said Kpopalypse. AKF and Kpopalypse both shake hands with Amber, noticing patches of blood on her knuckles.

Krystal removed the long chain jewelry from her head. “Fucking hair, fucking shitty costume”, she muttered to herself, yanking the chain links knotted inside her layers of white hair.

Victoria looked at AKF, square in the eye. “I'm not going to lie to you. We brought you back here for a reason. We need you.”

“Well, why didn't you say so earlier....” AKF smiled, reaching for his belt buckle.

Victoria put her hand up to stop him. “No, not like that. I mean, we need you two to do something for us.”

Krystal waved her white hair with her hand. “I'm sure by now you've noticed that we all look fucking ridiculous. Red Light is a great song, probably our best, but our stylists fucked us over. That's why nobody came to our fan meet... we look awful.”

Victoria added: “We'll never claim our rightful place as the top girl group in k-pop with those idiots controlling how we look. We need someone to do something about it. We need someone to...”

...kill them,” hissed Sulli, deliberately staring down Luna while mouthing the words. Amber raised an eyebrow at Sulli, silently warning her to keep in line.

“So, will you do it? Please?” Victoria stared directly at AKF, with a hopeful expression.


  1. His name is AIDEN you peasants!!!! You don't deserve his glory. How //dare// youuuuuu! !!! 11!!

    I used to read this site because you made fun of EWXO but now I'm not visiting you basics again.

    Fx aren't bitches. My sisters friends aunts hairdresser knows the choreographer for fx and SHE says Krystal gave her a half eaten cake once and Sulli let her tie her sneakers during practice.

    They are NICE.

    1. I think we're going to get enough real replies like this without you adding pretendy ones into the mix, heh.

    2. How rude~ I'm as true a fan as they get :P

    3. Your friend probably was a drug dealer and slipped some uppers inside Sulli's shoe.

  2. Where's the second part? I want to know what happened next...
    And his name is "Ember", which means "man" in Hungarian.

    1. It actually means "human", while "férfi" means "man" in Hungarian. (Don't want to be a smartass, just sayin')

    2. You're clearly the type of person who asks for the main course when the entree is served. Just wait your fuckin' turn. We'll get there when we get there.

    3. Yeah, we barely finished part one (and it took over a week) and people are already demanding part two lol.

  3. I don't understand, what was the Youngji gif all about?

    1. She's waving to everyone and she's cute. There's really no explanation needed.

    2. Mmmm, I see. Well, looking forward to the next installment of this. Hope there's some satanic rituals involved, fingers crossed.

  4. I always love the fanfictions on here.

    There's always Sulli and Krystal to be there, usually being like, "FML."

    And, his name is Arthur duh...

  5. I loved the song and video in all honesty. However this is hilarious. I just love Luna in this XD.

  6. The name of Kpopalypse's cat is Satan?

    1. Yes. It's great taking him to the vet. The receptionists are so uncomfortable about saying his name. Revenge for their ridiculous prices.

  7. Okay I lost it at "Cao ni ma!!!"


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