Tips for v-loggers so they can suck less at life

I don't like v-logging and never have.  However I realise that v-logging is a very popular pastime, so I thought it might be helpful if I outline some of the ways in which v-logging could do better, so hopefully all the k-pop v-loggers out there will read this and learn from it and lift the quality of their v-logging and then the world will be a happier place.  Well, okay, that probably won't happen, but what will happen is I will get to write about why I don't like v-logs which will make me feel better and will also probably annoy a lot of people.  If your own v-log was selected for this post, try to look past the usual Kpopalypse tone and take on board the constructive feedback within, won't you?

To learn more about v-logging and how it can potentially lick less sweaty nutsack, let's look at various v-loggers and how they treat similar material.

REACTION VIDEOS

Everyone's been asking for my opinion on EXID's "Hot Pink" and whether I like the song (not really), whether I think it's "Up & Down 3.0" (in some ways, yes) or whether they took any inspiration from my two-part T-ara/AOA fanfic for the origin of the "pink oil" substance (obviously, but I won't take legal action because I'm so nice like that), so I figure focusing on v-loggers covering this video might please those of you who have been dropping 286 questions into my ask.fm about this.



MRJKPOP is pretty on-point with his actual musical analysis (it's obvious that he has some musical production background) and actually has some interesting shit to say, which is great - it's easy to see why he's one of the more popular v-loggers out there.  Even though I think his musical taste is utter dogshit, I do come away from the video above with a pretty good feel for why he actually likes the song (he's a boring vocalfaggot who likes soft-as-shite R&B trash), so as far as the aim of the video goes, it's definitely successful.  However, the intro could have been trimmed a bit, we already know what song he's about to listen to and we already presume he's looking forward to hearing it or whatever or he obviously wouldn't be doing a fucking video in the first place so we don't need to hear that.  Also does he really smile wide-eyed and bop his head while listening to songs for the first time like a fucking spasticated Gumby?  Either he's forcing his reaction for the camera or he's one creepy motherfucker.  If you wouldn't react that way on a crowded bus for fear of being arrested as an escaped lunatic, don't do it in a reaction video.



Big introductions really aren't needed and are honestly just a way to pad out the running time, they serve no function in a reaction video where everybody knows what they're watching for (the reaction), this preamble goes for over a minute and I think MW Kpop could have removed all of it and the video would have benefited, because he revisits everything in the intro later anyway.  He also struggles a bit with some of the factual stuff and rambles on way too much in general, I'd have to wonder if he would having boringly droned on about the group switching producers if he remembered that Bravesound didn't write for EXID.  He however does get a lot of bonus points for behaving like a normal, genuine person while listening to the song instead of forcing a reaction like a retard on crystal meth, proof that if you really must make these fucking things you can actually do it without acting like a fuckface.  Also an extra bonus point for having decent taste in death metal.



kpopsteve mainly talks about fluffy airheaded stuff like what the girls are wearing rather than the music, and that's fine, at least he's honest about what level he's assessing the material on (fap).  His rapid-fire delivery means he gets to cram in about twice the amount of information as other v-loggers in the same space.  It's good to be quick for these things, honestly the shorter the better, even though by the end of it I'm definitely feeling like I'm being pummeled to death with words.  The dancing however is a bit terrifying, please stop dancing in your chair it's weird.  Also what's with the bit at the very start, that's just fucking creepy.  Don't do that shit, whatever the fuck that even was, I'm pretty sure no-one wants to see that.  He also seemed a little confused by the video's theme, hopefully kpopsteve becomes a Kpopalypse reader and then he can read my fanfics and understand what the pink oil is all about.



I'm not sure with this video whether I should be annoyed or grateful that the position of the EXID video is cutting off the lower part of Jexie's body, but it strikes me as odd that someone would do a reaction video while standing up specifically so they could dance around in a very obviously forced manner and then crop a large percentage of their own image out of the finished video.  Other than that this girl didn't have a lot to say but at least this video is short, so that's something.  From the comments left I guess not too many people are watching this video for her cutting observations in k-pop music and fashion, oh well.



JREKML is really annoying, doe.  He says meaningless shit like "it's all about that pink, you know what I'm saying", which sounds cool if you're twelve but doesn't really mean anything doe.  At the end of the video he doesn't even have anything to say doe, but he still takes over a minute to say nothing in particular doe.  Also there's the dancing which is obviously just there for "look how wacky I can be, doe" reasons doe - it's not really a "reaction video" doe if you're going to ham it up doe.  He seems like a grown man doe so I don't know why he's so freaked out about a bit of innuendo doe.  Maybe he's not suited to this sexually suggestive k-pop game doe, and he'd be better off with some k-pop that's less racy doe, like MyB's "Doedoe" doe (his channel is pretty comprehensive doe and covers a lot of songs doe, but he missed "Doedoe" doe), or maybe he should quit k-pop altogether doe and try "Doe, A Deer, A Female Deer" doe.



Do people really get this excited when they're watching a k-pop video for the first time?  M Nadz comes off like a total airhead during the video thanks to her incredibly ditzy fangirly squee-actions, but makes a much better impression once the video ends and she actually has a few things to say about the concept and EXID's conceptual continuity, something that none of the other v-loggers in this list have even picked up on.  Well, aren't we all terrible people for stereotyping her.  There's an important lesson here - spazzing like a dumb fuck will naturally make your viewers think you're a dumb fuck, even if you've actually got a brain, so they might not make it to the end or pay attention when you've got something real to say.



On the other hand, if you've got nothing to say, that's okay, just acknowledge it and move on.  noonaloveskookie has the right idea about this, she speeds up everything that's not part of the actual reaction, because she knows she doesn't have anything to add.  You can tell her reaction is genuine too because that freaked-out "wtf" look is something that's pretty hard to fake.  The poor girl seems a little bit in shock actually, I guess she must live a bit of a sheltered existence if a few k-pop girls dancing in tight clothes can generate that kind of reaction, someone introduce her to my blogging, it might broaden her horizons a bit.  Damn she removed it, automatically making her the smartest v-logger featured here.



A quick word on doing reaction videos as a group: don't.  But if you do, remember that two people make twice the noise and therefore have twice the potential to be irritating cunts, so you should be talking half as much as what you normally would.  The girls of 2MinJinkJongKey do their best to not talk over the top of each other and mostly succeed, which is appreciated, because this video could have been a whole lot worse than what it is.  They sure have some dirty minds though, from the "boob circles" at 1:55 to their YouTube channel name which insinuates some kind of four-way OTP gangbang, to their discussion of the "pink oil" at the end which goes into some pretty bizarre territory that I'm pretty sure even the MV directors didn't think up.  Kpopalypse approves!

To briefly summarise the lessons we can learn here:

1. Keep your intro short as fuck because we all know what you're here to do
2. Don't fucking pretend-overreact like a fucking fuckwit
3. Nobody wants to see you gyrate like a loser, stop that
4. Serious or casual, make sure your tone is consistent or your message may get lost
5. If you've got something to say, be short and to the point
6. If you don't have anything to say, it's okay to not say anything
7. If all else fails, correct boob presentation goes a long way

Of course, I realise that my haters are going to be all like "fine, where's YOUR reaction video?", however I promised many moons ago that I would never do v-logging.  However, my cat never made the same promise so now enjoy a video of her reacting to CL's "Hello Bitches".  This video is the pinnacle of reaction videos today and conforms to all the important points listed above.

ARGUMENT VIDEOS

We all have things on our mind that we'd like to express and arguments that we'd like to put forward.  What's the best way to go about it in video form?



Well-known v-logging duo Eat Your Kimchi have some pretty patchy content but they are generally at their best when they're probing deeper into k-pop and discussing actual stuff and things rather than just talking about how they liked MBLAQ's "Smoky Girl" or whatever.  They smartly use the T-ara scandal here not to talk about who was right or wrong, or to morally grandstand and bore everyone to fucking death ("KKS and/or T-ara and/or Hwayoung are such idiots/bullies/puppy stampers/[fill in the blank], what bad people!") but instead to explore the underlying issue of what being in a k-pop group is actually like, why tensions arise between members of all groups very commonly and why you shouldn't give a shit about k-pop scandals.  In the above video, the argument is solid and to the point, quite a lot of ground is covered in a very short time, and you feel at the end of it like you've just listened to ten minutes of educated argument rather than a fan's pathetic fucking moaning that things didn't go their way.



It easy to get caught up in the moral aspect - what you feel is "right" and "wrong" in a scenario and to pick sides in an argument.  Of course everybody does this, but the problem is that nobody gives a shit how you feel or which side you pick, they only give a shit about how they feel and which side they picked.  "I don't approve of thing X because I don't feel that it's right" is therefore the most boring angle you can possibly take when discussing any situation, and will completely alienate every single person with intelligence who watches your video - even if they agree with you.  This is why Kpopalypse blog never did a "let's debunk the T-ara scandal and talk about how unfair it is" post - it would be boring as an argumentative piece for me to read something like that which I wrote, and there's plenty of other content out there already like that that I can just link to if you're interested which removes the need for me to make my own.  Instead I used the T-ara witch-hunt as a jumping-off point to cover other issues, which still let people know in no uncertain terms how I felt about it, but hopefully in a funnier/more interesting way than if I just did one massive ranty debunk-post.  The same would apply if I was a v-logger, an "I don't like X" v-log would be boring as fuck.  If you don't believe me, watch the videos above and below this paragraph and see if you can actually get through all 24 minutes without cringing.



Nobody cares about your opinion, what they care about is their own opinion.  So if you're going to do an "opinion piece" it had better link into some actual facts somewhere, or at least some kind of information beyond "how dare person X do thing Y, gosh I'm so upset about that".  If you get caught up in appearances, morality and/or how things seem as opposed to how they actually are, not only do you run a strong risk of looking incredibly fucking stupid in a few years time when the truth is revealed and it wasn't what you thought but you're not even adding anything interesting to the argument anyway besides "I'm another person who is butthurt about this".  If on the other hand your piece is purely opinionated it had at least better be laugh-out-loud funny or seriously entertaining in some other way that will allow people to deal with the fact that they're listening to an unsubstantiated whine.

To summarise:

1. Don't ramble, say what you feel needs to be said as concisely as you can possibly do it
2. Don't moralise - if people want morality without hard facts they can go to church, they don't need your video
3. Nobody wants to listen to a rant, even if they agree with it
4. What netizens consider to be "evidence" or "proof" generally isn't either, don't believe gossip sites
5. Try to delve deeper into an issue or bring to it a new angle, "I like/don't like X" is boring
6. Stop worrying about what's right and wrong, worry about what's true and false
7. If all else fails, correct boob presentation goes a long way

Once again I will lead the way with an important video about the T-ara scandal which should clarify for all readers just how deeply this issue still affects the world of k-pop fans.

MUKBANG

Mukbang videos have very simple guidelines.  Here they are.

1. CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH CLOSED, YOU FUCKING CAONIMA SLUTS

2. DON'T TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL YOU WHOREBAG

3. IF YOU CAN'T LOOK AS CLASSY AS IU FUCK OFF

KPOPALYPSE WILL SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS SHIT RIGHT

That is all.  Happy eating from Kpopalypse!