The April Honours List

Another month has passed and most of the releases in April were distinctly mediocre which makes the top and bottom 3 rather difficult but we shall have a go.

Best Song

Runners up

Zero For Conduct (Block B - BASTARZ)

This is an example that is really rather decent but could have been made so much better with one slight change: making the horns sound like actual horns and not a fucking unedited MIDI. Of course, the thing that truly makes this song is that P.O sounds like he gargles with gravel every day which gives some heft to his parts which are undoubtedly the best parts of this track. Now that Zico isn't here to splay himself across a Block B track, everyone can appreciate P.O's superiority (even if Zico does think he is a faggot bitch). U-Kwon and B Bomb's bits aren't terrible but they lack the uniqueness that adds to the quality of P.O; perhaps Block B could have been improved even further by paring down to be a sub-unit of P.O and P.O only. Also shouts out to U-Kwon for showing us what life is like in his cellophane sex dungeon whilst B Bomb and P.O just fuck about with the costume closet, U-Kwon knows what the audience truly want: stimulation of fetishes. Long story short, P.O makes the song and the horns sound shit, please make more songs based off 30s French cinema, it will endear you to the wine drinking crowd.

Out (Mr.Mr.)

I didn't give a fuck about Mr.Mr. before this video, I still don't, but that didn't stop them from releasing a surprisingly enjoyable song with a crowded-ass beat and elements of soul music within it. Before this song, the group were just confusing controversy after confusing controversy and most of their previous music had been utter shite as they fit into the category of 'boy groups who take themselves way too seriously'. Maybe after releasing some super hot fire diss tracks and confusing the concepts of sex and gender, they felt that they could finally let their hair down and enjoy themselves. Maybe they were rejoicing at the fact that Tey's solo song was too shit to justify breaking up the group. 'Out' has suitably crisp production and the group sound like they can actually sing without being masked by filters of vocal editing (their agency is far too cheap for that), they seem to have thrown everything but the kitchen sink into the beat; perhaps it is a last ditch effort for their agency to get them popular before the bank start repossessing their members. Even if it doesn't work and, to the despair of their 5 fans, Mr.Mr. break up, at least this genuinely decent song will be their lasting legacy.

Winner

Awoo (Lim Kim)

I have no fucking clue who Lim Kim except for the fact that she won some music show as a duo called Togeworl (cool name guys). My first exposure to her was this Pitchfork-core gem which I listened to for lack of anything better to do on a misty Tuesday night. What Lim Kim has done is release a K-Pop song with a distinct sound to other K-Pop songs, somewhere in the vein of what indie pop darlings such as MIA would release. The stuttered piano thing combines with her fucked up smoker's voice to create a song that you wouldn't be ashamed to show to the visitors you may have to your T-ARA themed basement. You can convince them that you are actually in it for the music and not for the masturbation (though that would be a complete lie, you are simply lucky that Lim Kim released a song this good). The production paces itself well though it remains relatively sparse throughout; perhaps taking cues from the symphony that is It G Ma. At the end of the day, I really fucking like cats and I really fucking like this song, though it is likely that many of you will disagree with me and ask me to post a picture of some tits in repentance. Keep dreaming, we keep it classy and credible here, just like Lim Kim.

Worst song

Runners-up

Catch Me If You Can (SNSD)

I will still wave the flag for SNSD regardless of how many miserable cacophonies they are responsible for. The qualities of Oh! and Gee far outweigh the failings of I Got A Boy and their most recent obnoxious offering to the world. Of course, I shouldn't be surprised that they don't do bubblegum pop for the entirety of their career but it still pains me greatly if they are going to create songs this downright unenjoyable. It doesn't sound like it was fun to make and it definitely isn't fun to listen to, which leaves me rather confused as to what this is for. Of course, despite SM leaving te cage open and allowing people to escape left right and centre, a couple songs from their big hitters will have them rolling in the benjamins again, I merely ask that they don't me so goddamned cynical about it, that way they could release a song that is actually worth a damn. Okay, Call Me Baby was hardly awful, but I still can't help but shake the feeling that SM have given up and are allowing composition to be put on autopilot to create derivative EDM jams.

God (Jimin N J Don)

I am surprised that this is not the worst song of the month and that I can't bring myself to hate it more than I do. I talked in the above post about not trying but the beat to this sounded like they took sample_trap_beat.mp3 from FLStudio and got Jimin to scream over it. I am sure that FNC have been emboldened by Jimin's appearance on Unpretty Rapstar and, admittedly, she did improve throughout the show; that doesn't mean that I will accept her high pitched wails as the second coming. J Don is a perfetly competent rapper I guess but he hardly makes this song into the banger that it aspires to be. What stops this from being the worst song of the month is that in its horrific simplicity and shiteness (amazing new word), I find it fascinatingly listenable as I feel my IQ slowly drift away from me. A handy bonus is that this video is a fantastic offering to the discerning fapper; J Don and Jimin both get my dick hard which is something that cannot be said for anyone in the group who released the worst offering of the month.

Winner

EOEO (UNIQ)

I have spent most of my time since this song dropped trying to locate a redeeming feature. The sax hook starts out as an alright sounding thing but you will much rather go back to the dulcet tones of Jimin's voice after you hear it 10934021930 times during this song. UNIQ are not the worst rappers in the K-Pop sphere but I would still happy run them all over for a night of impassioned love with J Don. Scratch that, I would run them all over with no provocation whatsoever because they all look like the stereotypical Year 8 wastemen who fancy themselves as the future of hip-hop. The chorus is one of the worst things in all of musical history as they imitate the sounds of the ambulance that they will no doubt need after I have run them all over. In the writing of this segment I have had to listen to it a couple more times which has been akin to the seventh circle of hell, my love for you readers clearly knows no bounds. Without a doubt the worst song of the year so far; I am terrified that people enjoy this.

Most bizarre analogy

God (Jimin N J Don)

"The new John Lennon and Napoleon"

Here, Jimin proves that just because you can make baseless comparisons, it doesn't mean that you should. First things first, I don't really know if you would want to compare yourself to these people: John Lennon was a member of a fairly decent rock band, was a below average lyricist, was a filthy hippie, and beat his wife. Napoleon was a short man, a fairly decent military leader, and a constant source of ridicule from the most obnoxious sectors of the British public. Why you wish to compare yourself to a dead French guy in a rap song is beyond me, maybe you are trying to calim that you are all conquering, but if that were the case then someone like Julius Caesar or Genghis Khan would have surely been a better choice; though still a baffling one. As for John Lennon, I assume that you are trying to make some claims at how he reinvented music or was a fantastic lyricist (which he most certainly wasn't) despite the fact that neither Jimin nor J Don have any raps worth bragging about; if you wanted a more apt comparison to someone who reinvented music then choose someone like Miles Davis, and if you were going for the lyricist angle, there are many better choices but I will jsut give Nick Cave as an example. The final problem is wondering who is John Lennon and who is Napoleon in this duo but I hardly think that is relevant at this point. 

Most perfect gauging and understanding of our modern lexicon

Watch Out (HOTSHOT)

Another candidate for one of the worst songs of the month, the nation's newest try-hards may just have saved themselves with the usage of the word fleek rather early on in the song, as in "my eyebrows are on fleek". I am in a state of euphoria that this was used over the truly bumpin' beat that is used as background music in this song. It saves what is otherwise an awful song from the pits of hell, good job HOTSHOT.

Best anthem to butts

Joker (Dal Shabet)

I am sure that you expected a song by the messiah himself but by my amazing logic, that song is so much about butts that it comes full circle and is in fact not about butts at all. Joker, on the other hand, is about using one's butt as a method to have mad sex on the regular (probably, I was too busy to read the lyrics whilst watching the video). I could talk about why this song is middling but Dal Shabet are hot or I could just post a fancam of Serri, the choice was obvious.

Arbitrary award for a song that I should probably talk about

Bae Bae (BIGBANG)

I was tempted to treat this as a May release because I did like both of the BIGBANG releases but couldn't really find space for them, I then realised that I had to be true to myself and my heart so created an utterly pointless category. Bae Bae has a fun video where the group look like they are having fun, G-Dragon grabs tits, Taeyang is a porn cowboy, TOP cumshots all over a random girl, Daesung gets laid, adn Seungri stands in post-coital bliss. It's pretty wild, it's pretty good, just not good enough to scrape the top 3. As for Loser, it is also kinda decent I guess. 

Most unjust level of dislike

ㅈㄱㅈㄱ (pppb)

Look at all them dislikes. The public were not ready for this really fun little song from the mysteriously (and stupidly) named pppb. They have a promise that they are gonna make us dance and that is just what they do (maybe, idk) but what truly makes this song is the random dissonant guitar in the verse. I can't particularly understand the high levels of hatred for this song so please give it a like so that it gets radio play or gets used in an advert for bread or something. Have a nice day.

That about does it for this month. Drive safe.