The May Honours List

Where April was mediocre, May was straight up bad. Let's see if I can scrape together enough songs to say nice things about before abusing every other release this month.

Best song

Runners up

Tresspass (Monsta X)

If you want some writing on Tresspass without any useful information, then you can check the review that I already did of it. It doesn't leave me with much to say here so I will waffle until this paragraph seems to have reached a sensible length. Much as the concept is trying way too hard, I do really like the energy that flows throughout this song and, because they tried so hard, I actually kinda think Monsta X could make it as a hip-hop group. Doubtless people will be comparing them to BTS but it seems that only the Rap Man is taking hip-hop seriously after they shat this out last month. Monsta X have 2 good rappers, vocalists who fit the style, a solid dance line, visuals that get your dick hard, and the backing of Brand New Music to provide them with extra street cred. Maybe San E will do a feature where he talks about how much he wants to bang Jimin. There are two members who have about half a line each so Starship are willing to unashamedly flaunt their visuals as visuals, meaning that you can jerk it to Hyungwon whilst you can hear a good-ass rap from I.M in the background. In the words of my G, Gottfried Leibniz, this is 'the best of all possible worlds.

Sold Out (Yankie feat. Tablo, Loco, Zion. T)

Traditional K-Pop has not been delivering in May so, Imma spoil it right now, all of the top 3 are hip-hop related in some way. Where Monsta X represented an odd liminality by being a hip-hop boy group, now we get a group of four genuine hip-hop artists. Sold Out's quality is underpinned by the fantastic beat with crisp drums, smooth bass, and a great use of a brass sample. Take notes, UNIQ. It's also fun whenever a hip-hop song drops with multiple rappers trading verses on it, especially when the group has flows and deliveries as varied as Loco, Yankie, and Tablo. The supermarket swag concept is a severely underused one across the K-Pop sphere, but I must say that if I managed this supermarket I would definitely kick Yankie and Tablo out for causing trouble whilst eyeing Loco and Zion. T with suspicion for loitering. This song has an obvious weakness; during the bridge they just say, "It's the bridge" followed by naming cities with bridges in them which feels more like an aspect of a complex meme rather than a $wagg£d out rap video. Regardless, this song got me to bounce along and I will think of it whenever I buy prosciutto in the future.

Winner

Spell My Name Right (Yankie)

The man's only gone and done a bloody one-two punch in my, "Best of' List." This time Yankie is on his own, not that the other people were holding him back at all but I guess he thought that this was a better platform to show off his best flow. Once again, the producer (I think it is DJ Pumkin) absolutely makes this song which has the best K-hip-hop beat I have heard outside of the work of Nochang. Of course, they still aren't on the level of El-P but let's face it, who is? I digress. This song isn't about anything particularly deep and his English lyrics are suspect at points but Yankie flows hard here, and he achieves his mission of assuring that people don't spell his name wrong (not that I would in the first place, it's five fucking letters). The video is reminiscent of 90s rap videos when no-one could afford to put any money into locations that looked cool so they chucked a whole bunch of stupid effects over their face. I assume they spend all the video money on Sold Out, or that they wanted the quality of this song to speak for itself, unadulterated by fancy shopping trolleys or bridges. Also there is a DJ solo which I appreciate, even if it does feel like it is only there to use up time.

Worst song

Runners-up

Just Tell Me (MYNAME)

MYNAME were unsure of whether or not they wanted to make a sexy jam, a danceable bop, or a club banger. After negotiations broke down they decided to do all 3, but rather than alternate between them like IGAB they thought it would be better to do all three at the same time. A truly visionary act from whatever the fuck agency they are under. The video seemed more interested in the existence of butts because butts are infinitely more interesting than the members of MYNAME. Long gone are the days where they released what I genuinely believe to be a contender for the best K-Pop MV I am ever likely to see, and instead they force me to watch their new stuff on mute as I jerk off sadly in my basement whilst Yankie plays in the background.

Might Just Die (History)

The jokes write themselves with a title like that. Also, the still that has been provided for me whilst in 'edit' mode looks like he is fucking her over a billiards table. This is one of the most fantastically OTT song/video combinations I have come across; the chorus is constantly trying to wrestle with itself to prevent it from becoming a dubstep breakdown whilst the raps are screamed so as to force the idea that History are feeling particularly bad about whatever the fuck happened in this melodramatic mess of an MV. Maybe the girl found out that their huge Victorian house was to compensate for their tiny dicks and overemotional natures. The vocals and production belie each other as History wants to be a ballad group and the producer wants them to be the next Pitbull. In an eternal struggle, they fight against each other; the producer trying to excite History, History trying to keep the producer frenigerent. What we are left with is an end result not quite as good as the eventuality that either side envisaged. History continue their trend of making shit music I guess.

Winner

Mommae (Jay Park)

At least Sex Trip was funny.

Least consistent momentum

Bassline (Nuol feat. King Kong & Huckleberry P)

This could have been something fantastic. Depending on my moods, I prefer this to Tresspass so you can think of it as an honorary 4th best song of the month. Nuol and Huckleberry P particularly have pretty fucking amazing verses and the low key chorus on its own works pretty well. The issue is that there is no link between the two so there is the musical equivalent of a glottal stop whilst the song reels from the speed of the bars that have been delivered to try and make a transition to Nuol saying that he controls things. If Nuol does indeed controls things then he should definitely be fired because this is not a controlled shift. This is the equivalent of only being able to stop a car by crashing into a wall. This is very much to the song's detriment; if there had been better shifts between the two modes, it could quite possibly have been the best of the month.

Group with the most hateable faces

Awesome (N.Flying)

If there is even one thing worth saying about Awesome (which there probably isn't), it is that is is significantly better than GOD. FNC have managed to hold a monopoly on K-Pop groups with a band concept, and with FTISLAND having a ballad-centric approach and CNBLUE being all about that light-rock vibe, the stage was set for N.Flying to put a hip-hop spin on the band concept. The song wasn't particularly memorable and the MV should be best remembered for Seolhyun. The point I am trying to make is that J. Don himself looks like a dickhead and I wanted to find a suitable format to write about that in. If there are no further questions, I will post gfycat links to the best parts of the BTS video.

Best conspiracy theory

Excuse Me (BESTie)

BESTie let the cat out of the bag: dudes are either thirsty as fuck for tits or they want to bang other dudes. The government are in possession of glasses which allow you to tell the difference but they are keeping this marvelous invention from the general public so that we spend more time trying to get people to make our downstairs areas feel nice rather than questioning authority. That is the message I got from the video and in lieu of such an interpretation, I would like to commend BESTie's bravery in coming out and being the proverbial whistle-blowers on this practice of the global government (also known as the Illuminati). BESTie are fighting for freedom whilst the rest of the world looks on, fapping sensually.

Song that sounds most like 'Nice Body'

Into U (Jun Hyosung)

They are the same song, but Hyosung has a nicer body than Hyomin. Thus balance was brought to the world.

Most unreasonably forward flirting

Ma First (Jang Hyunseung)

Hyunseung is the type of thirsty dude that BESTie were trying to warn us about. He's got to the point where he can only communicate with women through writing on mammaries and dancing violently. He does it all whilst looking like the sexiest heroin addict in all of Korea, which seems to make it acceptable behaviour. Note that Hyunseung's best friend Giriboy never once behaves inappropriately and is a model of acceptable social conduct. That said, he never actually comes into contact with any woman and stands remarkably close to Hyunseung at points, almost certainly making him one of the predatory homosexuals that BESTie also revealed to the world. It's amazing how some MVs contribute to your understanding of others.

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May was a shit month, June had better try harder.