The September Honours List

Sorry for not being active this month, I had to prepare for university and spend the entire month listening to multiple songs multiple times to see if anything was better than Dumb Dumb. Let's get cracking.

Best song

Runners-up

Mind Your Own Business (Ailee)

Ailee has historically given me very little reason to dislike her. She has a consistently great output, looks great while doing it, and every minute she works slightly lowers the attention placed upon Jessi. I am positively thrilled that her new release does not leave me feeling betrayed. What I like most about 'Mind Your Own Business' is, even if it is not the case, it sounds like they got actual instruments rather than shitty MIDI approximations; this makes the song sound far more full and powerful and generally just fucking top. Even if Ailee had to sacrifice her voice to stay as trim as YMC wanted her to (linked to Allkpop for ironic purposes), her voice still sounds pretty damn great to me and does exactly what it needs to do: emote somewhat during the verses and absolutely blast the choruses out. Mine and Ailee's business relationship continues to be genial and I hope that it stays that way for many years to come, I don't want her to become someone who I can only look at with the volume muted.

Dumb Dumb (Red Velvet)

Goddamn, I felt so very odd when I realized that 'Dumb Dumb' was not my favorite song of September. It took a couple listens to grow on me but it had been the only K-Pop song on my mind for the past couple weeks. SM managed to surpass even the giddy heights of 'Ice Cream Cake' to give us a song that in most any other month would have easily been the best song. Enough commiserations because I should feel blessed that there have been two songs of such a high caliber in a single month. The titular vocal part is oddly catchy when it should be annoying, the production is simultaneously sparse and cluttered (this is somehow a good thing), and the chorus is ridiculously groovy, despite being constructed out of only random noises. I should hate the Michael Jackson rap, I really should, but I can't help but feel that it is so perfectly in keeping with the mood and style of the rest of the song: off-kilter and eminently charming. I apologize to Red Velvet because I wanted to give them greater recognition for this, instead they are a lowly second place.

Winner

Wow Wow Wow (Jun Jin)

Absolutely flawless victory. I want to dance and bang Jun Jin and learn to dance like him and then dance again when I am better at it. I only discovered this shit a couple of days ago and I must have watched the performance version at least 20 times because I don't see myself tiring of the bass heavy production any time soon, and I desperately want to be Jun Jin now. Why am I preparing for university? I would rather be lookin' at, lookin' at, lookin at you [Wow Wow Wow Wow Woooow Wow]. Now that I have spoken so highly of it, I predict that all of the commenters will hate it, and by extension me. I am not even sorry.

Worst song

Runners-up

Airplane (iKON)

Somehow it ended up being the case that only one of iKON's tracks made it onto this 'worst of' area, we will talk about the others but I think we can all agree that 'Airplane' is the nadir of iKON's, admittedly short, career. After Bobby pulled his poor little idol routine to win SMTM3, YG aimed for a gap in the market that was left unexploited for a reason; bargain bin EZ listenin'. The beat sounds like the type of music you push to the background when sitting in a restaurant. It also fails to progress in any way; it begins with an intensity score of 3 and just sort of stays there, stagnating in your ear cavities. Enjoy.

SSENUNNI (Jessi)

Jessi is worshiped as some rap goddess despite not being capable of rapping with a flow that even begins to resemble something interesting. Her bad girl image was fun for a few minutes but it quickly became tiring as it became clear that she didn't have the talent to follow up. This song is basically a series of obnoxious sounds smashed together as Jessi struggles to find and keep rhythm whilst shouting 'hardcore' buzzwords. People seem to like this, which is proof that you are all shit.

Congratulations (Day6)

Apparently the debut of Day6 was something to get ridiculously excited about. They took over the K-Pop sides of the social media sites that I visit, and immediately, posts from their fans swamped me. Being an unbiased individual, I felt that I should check out JYP's latest offering as we wait for Twice to debut. This is honestly abhorrent, potentially the worst song of the year in fact. If you like shitty soft rock then maybe this is for you but if you have taste then I advise you to check elsewhere: I recommend the new song by Sun Kil Moon and Jesu so that you can distance yourself from K-Pop; the cultural phenomenon that gave us this abomination.

Worst thing to happen to visual culture in human history

Rhythm Ta (iKON)

Leaving aside the fact that the instrumental is absolute garbage, this is the worst MV in K-Pop history. iKON struggle to lip-sync correctly and are constantly asking us if they have enough swag? Even if they do, it is not worth the cost. They all look like bellends except the hot dude with the blond hair, I am reliably informed that it is Junhwi; I support him but none of the others.

Most positive message in a music video

New Days (ZZAPA feat. Microdot)

We all understand that the world is a shitty place, and because of this it can be hard to be happy sometimes. ZZAPA and Microdot understand this too, but they are the only ones who decided to get off their arses and do something about it.Through the power of their boxes of a mysterious substance, homophobia is eradicated and Kim Jong Un twerks; this is the future I want to live in.

Song most reminiscent of ever British popular song 2006-2009

Star Shell (Nell)

As you can tell, it is not an area that particularly bears revisiting. Nell should stick to doing exclusively good songs, it works better for them.

Most pointless budget saving MV & song

My Type (iKON)

This is the best of iKON's offerings this month, in fact I like it quite a lot. However the beat sounds like something YG found on the floor of Choice 37's private bathroom, and the MV looks like it was filmed in Eastbourne. Also there seems to be a running theme that the ugly looking one has no screen-time in any of the iKON MVs, can't possibly thing why.

Most generically 90s things thrown together in the same place

Rush (Monsta X)

This comes with the caveat that the song is actually pretty good: Giriboy does a good job of producing a pretty fun and danceable track. The MV is just a series of cliches that collide to not be as bad as 'Rhythm Ta' but still pretty embarrassing. It still probably beats their previous police brutality concept though.